JulianaWeirdnessSceneOne

From IMiA

The palace is quite lovely tonight. It always is during a party. Servants race to and fro. Juliana is wearing a stunning dress. It is remarked on by all who see her. They bow and smile. She smiles back and goes looking for her husband. Juliana moves easily through the familiar halls of the palace. She soon runs into Patrice. Patrice is looking quite lovely in her black dress. She's accessorizing with a silver crescent moon choker. She beams at Juliana and embraces her, kissing her on the cheek.

"Well, you look wonderful. What are you up to?" Juliana asks.

Patrice looks at Juliana and smiles. "I'm going downstairs to the party, silly. We're already late. Everyone will be so scandalized."

"I doubt our being late is going to scandalize anyone," Juliana says with a smile in her 'everyone can go to hell' voice.

Patrice grins. "Perhaps just Marlette. She's so uptight. I don't know where she gets it from."

"Marlette's here?" Juliana asks in happy surprise.

Patrice chuckles. "What have you been drinking, silly? Of course she's here. Where else would my niece be?"

Two beats go by as Juliana blinks, and then she whispers, "Holy Mother." Juliana will just freeze a minute. She's thinking really fast. She gets pale. "I have a daughter," she mumbles. She reaches out and grabs Patrice's arm, not tight though. "Listen, something is wrong. I've lost... all the way back to when Phillip and I first came back to Amber. I've got no memory of how you came to be this happy, or of having a daughter, much less one old enough to be at a party here..." she takes a deep breath. "Where's Phillip?"

As soon as Juliana asks that question, she KNOWS.

Phillip is dead. His tomb has a long and flowing inscription that can be reduced to "He served his family and people and the Realm with honour and sacrifice." Marlette had been little more than a baby at the time. Phillip had doted on her. Newell quietly thought it was Phillip's death that had made Marlette such a serious child.

Patrice blinks. "That's not funny, Jules."

Juliana barely remains standing, closes her eyes, and fights the tears and utter consumption of grief. She fights it, hard, and opens her eyes back up to look at Patrice.

Patrice quickly grabs Juliana and helps her sit down. She waves over a servant and orders him to bring water.

"Why are we here? What do I need to know? How old is she?" Juliana whispers, very worried she has lost her mind, and very concerned that she has a child to protect and no information.

Again, she KNOWS as soon as she asks.

It's the palace Carnival party. One of Juliana's favorites. Marlette is almost sixteen. Her birthday celebration will doubtless be huge. Her father has been dead for almost fourteen years.

"Jules, you're really worrying me," Patrice says gently. "Let's get that water. Maybe we should get out of the hall too."

"Yes, if I can just sit down for a moment and go over things. Just let me sit, you go and take care of Marlette. Dear god, don't leave her alone here. I'll be there in a bit. I'll be fine."

Patrice gives Juliana a doubtful look. "Okay," she finally says. Before leaving, she makes sure Juliana has her water. Juliana overhears her talking to a servant as she leaves. "Don't let anyone disturb her," she tells Anthony.

Juliana closes her eyes and tries to breathe. Not Phillip, Holy Mother please, not Phillip. She knows she has to calm down and think. He would want her to be calm. They have a daughter. Beyond all else, she must protect his daughter.

She focuses inward, trying to recall how Phillip died. It comes to her, slowly, not overwhelming her, but with a pain she seems to have forgotten that sinks slowly into her chest.

Phillip was in the battle, with dark things out of shadow that made the Moonriders and the Weir look like pushovers. It was a horrible battle. Thousands died, every family lost someone in the war, even the royals. Phillip died saving Eric's life.

Juliana feels a horrible stab of fresh pain at this memory. She can see it, just imagine what it was like. She can hear Phillip charging Eric with protecting them, knowing what he knew of her past with Eric, knowing where it would lead. He loved me that much. She remembers, then, that although Phillip's younger brother had lived through the wars, Carlisle is being held for Marlette. Paulus is being mollified somehow.

How did I manage to convince Oberon to do that? she wonders, and then remembers, Oberon had gone missing over sixteen years ago. The royals felt he was dead. And Eric is King.

That takes her breath away. She picks up the water and sips. Eric" it slowly comes to her that she'd been working with him since Oberon's disappearance, trying to hold the kingdom together, and the Golden Circle too. She'd learned a new level of diplomatic maneuvering. As time passed she gave in to her feelings and needs with Eric, but she wouldn't marry again, and he hadn't asked. And he hadn't married anyone else either.

She shakes a little, remembering the level of responsibility she has accepted as Eric's consort. They treat her as though she's the Queen. It makes her uncomfortable on her best days. She feels Eric should marry for the good of the kingdom. She thinks it is bad for him to be perceived as attached to her.

Phillip. Her mind keeps going back to him. She thinks perhaps she is just having a bad night, for she has had many since he died. It is hard for her to understand how everyone can be so happy. Patrice misses her brother, but the war is over, and things are good now. Vanessa, Phillip's mother, seems content with her grandchild, and the knowledge that Phillip died the way he lived.

Juliana almost smiles. She has a daughter. She is beautiful and blonde, just like her mother. She's bright and artistic. She paints. She started when Phillip gave her finger paints and she's never stopped. She's a bit serious for a 16 year old, but she seems happy enough. She finds her mother embarrassing, as all teenage girls do. But she's a lovely girl who loves her family. A bright child who will indeed be annoyed her mother is late to the party.

Juliana feels like she can get through the party. She's faced what she needs to, for the time being. There will be time to ride out to Phillip's grave in the morning. She takes a few deep breaths and a drink of water, braces herself to be in tight control, and heads down to the party.

She promptly runs into Deirdre as she's rising from her seat. "Juliana," Deirdre smiles and kisses Juliana's cheek. "Are you okay? I saw you sitting here and that annoying little man," she gestures toward the servant standing behind her "told me I couldn't talk to you."

Juliana puts on a smile. "Don't blame Anthony, he's just doing what he was told to do. Just too much to drink this week, and not enough rest. I'm getting to old for this."

"You? Too old? Don't make me laugh," she smiles. She puts her hand on Juliana's shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze. "I really should be getting to the party. Eric will be so grumpy if I arrive much later." her eyes twinkle mischievously. "Though, I must arrive precisely late enough to annoy Flora."

Is Deirdre dangerous to me? Juliana wonders. A sudden paranoia grips her. Playing with princes is a dangerous game. She remembers Deirdre likes her, so she's safe, for now. She mentally considers the rest of the royals. Corwin and Brand are dead. Random isn't thrilled with having Eric on the throne, but he isn't making trouble. Its always hard to say how far Caine can be trusted. Everyone is being relatively good, and playing nice. She sighs inwardly, wondering how long it will last.

Juliana smiles. "I'll go with you, if you don't mind. Then I can claim you held me up. You know, you and Flora act more like siblings than anyone else here. It's refreshing."

Deirdre smiles. "I'll accompany you, even though you said that cruel thing about Flora and I."

Juliana goes to the party with Deirdre, casually mentioning how wonderful Patrice is looking tonight.

"Oh? Where is she now, do you know?"

Juliana suppresses a big smile. "She's down at the party, probably making excuses to Marlette for why I have yet to show up." She sighs. "If I'm early, she's embarrassed. If I'm late, she's embarrassed. If I'm on time, I'm dull, but that's acceptable. I worry that the child has such a weight with the House of her head, that she's not really getting to be a child and have adventures. But then, perhaps there are things I don't know. There were certainly things my mother didn't know about me and what I was doing."

"It's a terrible thing to lose a parent so young," Deirdre says. "It can permanently damage a child. Yet, I think Marlette is an extraordinary child. She is brave and intelligent and creative. She does not want for love. She has your family and mine. I am not certain Eric could love her more if he were her father."

"Yes, you're right. I am overprotective though. I wonder what I've cost her, keeping her locked up in the palace. She should be with other children, playing pranks or" games. Something. Play was so important to Phillip. I don't think he'd be happy with me for letting her become so serious. Perhaps I can do something" hmm" perhaps I can get her thrown into a little adventure of some sort " a safe one, though. But she doesn't need to know that."

"Oh, she has plenty of adventures she never tells you about," Deirdre laughs. "Trust me, I know these things."

Juliana looks suspicious. "You could share a little, you know. Ease a mother's worry."

"Dear girl," she laughs, "keeping secrets is what I am best at." She grins mischievously and adds, "Aside from other things."

Juliana snorts. "Fine then. It will be a challenge for me. Give my spies some real work to do. They'll be so relieved."

"I'm certain," Deirdre laughs.

"She's being safe though?" Juliana asks, visions of Phillip's risk-taking running through her head.

"You worry too much," Deirdre replies. "Though I suppose that's what mothers do. I wouldn't really know." She smiles again. "She's sixteen, but she is smart and clever. And, she has the best minders in the realm to watch over her. Whether she is aware of them or not is another matter entirely."

"Of course, you're right. Trouble is just in her blood, you know?" Juliana says, pursing her lips.

Deirdre laughs. "Please. You want trouble in the blood? Try my family. Believe me, you don't know from trouble in the blood."

Juliana smiles. "Well, you've got me there, but Phillip and I both started more than our fair share of trouble. Hell, I'm still causing trouble. It's relative anyway, Deirdre. Your family can take more damage so you can cause more trouble. And she's had full exposure to your family's influence. If she wasn't so serious, I might have to lock her in a room." She shudders. "Alright, I'm going to stop thinking about this right now. Where did you get your earrings?"

"Elyssa made them"

Juliana smiles fondly. "Elyssa. How has she been?"

Deirdre laughs. "You really are out of it tonight. Elyssa's already at the party."

Juliana bites her lip and says, "Well, you've caught me fishing for gossip. I knew she was already at the party. That wasn't what I asked, anyway."

Juliana thinks fast about Elyssa, and what is going on with her, hoping she hasn't just given away the fact that she might be losing her mind.

Elyssa, Juliana remembers, is much as she ever was. She's pretty and happy and unwed. She dotes on Marlette whenever possible.

"You know I've been trying to throw her together with Gerard for a year, and she has managed to avoid my every device. I don't have the faintest idea why she insists on evading marriage. You haven't heard anything, have you?"

"Maybe she likes her freedom. Some of us do."

"Yeah. I used to think I liked my freedom too. Then Phillip happened. And he was much better than having my freedom, not that he ever tried to take it away, really. All you have to do is find the right person."

"Elyssa is young. Give her time."

Juliana and Deirdre have circumvented the main entrance to the ballroom somehow.

"And how much time should I give you?"

Deirdre laughs. "All the time in the world, dear girl."

Juliana is beginning to prepare herself for a shock. There is sure to be one when they get into the Ballroom. Her plan is to get somewhere, as quickly as possible, where she can observe for a few minutes before getting pulled into something. She needs to look at everyone and do a quick review.

It begins to appear that Deirdre knows a secret entrance to the ballroom.

"If you insist. You're much more difficult to find a match for anyway. Are we about to make an entrance, or are you sneaking us in?"

"I'm sneaking us in, of course," she smiles and ignores the comment about matchmaking. "Don't tell Flora about this."

"My lips are sealed," Juliana says seriously. She watches what Deirdre is doing very closely.

Deirdre moves a tapestry aside and moves a hidden series of levers. She turns back to Juliana as a piece of the wall slides sideways revealing another tapestry on the other side. The sound of music and people laughing can now be heard. "Shall we?"

That's it. Wonderful. Juliana giggles. "Indeed." She takes a deep breath and prepares herself. Sets brain on fast.

going more into straight unedited play here, for the purpose of getting to bed

It appears to be a wonderful party. Juliana immediately spies countless people she knows, though none have spied her yet. Deirdre's secret entrance provides a commanding view of the ball room and would be ideal for quick and stealthy entrances and exits-for any number of reasons.

(Ex-cellent) I'm just checking everyone out, looking for what I don't expect to see (different haircuts, age, wounds/battlescars, missing teeth, whatever.) Once I get past the physical inspection I need to look around and see who triggers intense feelings, so I can be ready for those. Juliana has admitted to herself there is only so much she can do here, and at some time tonight something will doubtless manage to sneak past her defenses. Still, she feels like she has to try to do everything she can.

The party is as Juliana would expect: big and loud and people are either having a good time or are pretending they are. Eric is in the thick of things surrounded by various nobles and merchants all vying for his attention. Patrice is talking to Marlette.

Okay, deep breath, smile and whispered "Thank you," to Deirdre, and off to meet up with Patrice and Marlette.

"Any time," Deirdre smiles and waves and walks toward Flora. Doubtless she intends to start some sort of fight with her.

Patrice and Marlette are talking in what passes for a quiet corner. They are using large decorative scenery to give them privacy.

"Hi, Jules!' Patrice smiles. "I was just rescuing Marlette from the Begman ambassador's son."

Marlette sighs and rolls her eyes. "Please. He was boring."

Juliana smiles hugely and keeps as tight control over her emotions as is possible without turning them off. (Which is to say, she barely manages not to tear up.) "Marlette, imagine for a minute I haven't seen you for years. I'm going to hug you now and you're going to put up with it." With that she grabs the child and hugs her close, and whispers, "Thank the Unicorn for you." (resistance, squirming, or uncomfortable 'moo-oom's' are ignored.) Then she lets her go and puts a hand on each cheek and says, "Good Lord, you are beautiful." Then she tears up and lets go, steps back, and tries to get it back under control.

"I love you too, mom," Marlette sighs.

Juliana smiles and calms down a lot. "I'm glad. Are you having fun yet? Shall I stir up something interesting for you?"

"That's okay," Marlette sighs. "I'm perfectly happy. Really."

Patrice giggles.

Juliana sighs dramatically. "I can't imagine then," sigh, "if you are perfectly happy," sigh, "why so much heavy sighing," sigh, "seems to be happening?" Very dramatic sigh.

"Mother. Please." Marlette says looking vaguely embarrassed.

Patrice giggles

"You're no help," she tells Patrice.

"Sorry," Patrice smiles with feigned sincerity.

Juliana shrugs. "You'll tell me when you're ready. That's fine." She begins surveying the room, pretending to put her attention elsewhere, but hoping this will draw out the problem. Because clearly there is some problem.

"What will I tell you?" Marlette asks

"Why you are sighing. With all that air over there someone might think you're forging a sword," Juliana glances at her with a raised eyebrow and knowing look.

"Oh, mother. You're too serious." This comment causes Patrice to abandon quiet giggling and move on to outright bursts of laughter.

(Now I'm just sure they're both giving Patrice the same patronizing look, and that's just going to make her crack up more.)

Juliana shrugs again. "Fine. If you don't need me, I should go help your Uncle Ricky with that mob scene he's got going on."

"He hates that you know," Marlette says. "The 'Ricky' thing. It's not very regal."

Juliana smiles rather a bit like a wolf. (Can't think of another way to describe it - quick teethy smile and then she looks dangerous/serious.) "I know. He has to be kept in his place somehow."

Marlette shakes her head. "I don't understand adults sometimes."

Juliana blinks. "Well, you're old enough. I'll try to explain it to you. Men..." she pauses, thinking, "vary greatly. Some men are like your father. These men are in the minority. They are secure in who they are, and what they feel, and... they aren't afraid to say so. They don't try to control anyone but themselves. They are very protective and can be very dangerous, but so long as you don't threaten them or anyone they care about, or in your father's case, any poor woman without protection, they'll be nice as pie to you. Men like that don't really require too much 'dealing with.' They will trust you, and you can trust them, and roles are looser. Then there are a whole bunch of evil men. Those should be avoided. Only time will really tell you who is evil and who isn't, so you should always take your time and never rush into anything. Then there are men like the King. Alpha wolves. Men like that can very easily take over your whole life, if you don't pay attention. And sometimes they need to be reminded you aren't part of their little pack." She looks rather amused at the crowd surrounding Eric. "Then there are women, who are even more difficult, but we can save that discussion for later."

"Huh. I think I like horses better. And painting," she adds as an afterthought. "Everything is much easier when I'm riding Corsair or painting."

Juliana smiles, very happy. "Horses and painting. These things will always be your escape. If anyone ever tries to take either from you, kill them." Juliana pauses, realizing what she just said. She actually looses a bit of color. "Well, perhaps death is a bit extreme, but do find me and I'll help you with the problem."

"What if I painted a rude picture of them and embarrassed them horribly?"

"Well, the premise here is that they've taken your paints, darling. And that sort of thing could get you hurt very badly, with the wrong person," Juliana says, becoming much too serious.

"But if they were rude or boring or annoying, I could make a rude picture of them," Marlette says with a wicked smile. "And no one would try to hurt me. Uncle Nicholas would kill them."

Juliana looks at her with more than a little concern. "There are many circumstances in which Nicholas wouldn't lift a finger. It's mean to make rude pictures of boring people, and even annoying people. Most people do not mean to be boring or annoying, it is just the way they are. The best thing to do is avoid them as much as possible. And really, you'd best weigh the consequences of even doing such a thing to a rude person. Some people would consider it cowardly, you know. You'd be better off calling someone out into a duel, were they rude enough for you to take offense. And that could get you killed. So all in all, it's really best to let the rude people be, as well."

"But...But.. that can't be right. Then the rude people win. Dad wouldn't let the rude people win."

Patrice is watching quietly now.

Juliana purses her lips and looks almost angry. "No, Dad would duel, and take the risk of getting himself killed. He also had a great deal of talent with a weapon and years of training to back that up. So when you are fifteen years old," she says, getting agitated, "and your only weapon is a paintbrush, it is better to avoid these things. It's simply wrong to do something meant to humiliate someone, and then expect Van Alikki to come to your defense when you caused someone to get angry enough to want to hurt you. That's just..." she pauses, and finishes with a condescending, "...childish."

"You never understand!" Marlette has raised her voice as angry and hurt teenagers do at exceedingly inappropriate times.

"About being young and defenseless and alone, and feeling like the entire world is against you? You have no idea how well I understand. What you need to understand is that the world is against you, not entire but close enough, and you must be careful and conservative," Juliana says in a cool tone. "Was the Begman boy rude?"

"It's not just about him. It's about all of them," she says and her angry glance takes in the partygoers. "Don't you talk to me about being alone. You have him." She glares in Eric's direction. "And everyone hates ME because of it."

Patrice looks like she's desperately trying to think of the right thing to say to save everyone.

Juliana nods. "You're right." She motions to Patrice that 'do not try to make everything better' wave. "You're right. Let's go pack. We have the Manor House. Your father made sure of that. Or we can go to Gaiga if you'd like. I have friends in Gaiga. Or we can go and meet the woman you're named after. What would you like to do?"

Marlette suddenly looks terribly confused. "Run away? Why? You love it here. This is what you always wanted. Isn't it?" She's almost sobbing.

Juliana can sense the attention upon them. From the corner of her eye, Juliana can see Deirdre pushing Eric in the other direction.

"Can we get out of here and discuss this elsewhere before we're trapped?" Juliana asks, reaching her hand out to Marlette, but waiting for her to reach back.

Marlette pauses. Then takes Juliana's hand. "I'm sorry."

Patrice gives Juliana the 'I'll take care of the crowd' look and moves toward them.

Juliana gives Patrice a thankful look. She begins scouring her mind, trying to figure out where Marlette got the idea that This is what I always wanted.

"Never be sorry for speaking the truth," Juliana says, and heads directly for the closest exit, but not the secret one, because everyone will be watching them now.

Marlette is a bright girl. She knows about Eric and Juliana's past. She's exposed to all the rumors and gossip. It's easy for Marlette to think that this is the life Juliana would have chose if Oberon hadn't ended the relationship with Eric.

Juliana and Marlette make their exit. "Can we find a quiet spot in the gardens?" Marlette asks.

Juliana nods and does so. She'll take Marlette to a spot where she knows sound does not travel very well, and which blocks sight of them from the palace (which also blocks their view of who may be coming, but there are trade-offs). Juliana pauses a moment to let Marlette sit, or not, but she remains standing.

"There was a time when this was what I wanted," she tells her, motioning to the palace. "That was a long time ago, before I met your father. I was not the person then I am now, and had I been handed the kind of responsibility and power I have now, then, it would have been ugly. It would have been bad. King Oberon had good reasons for doing what he did. He was right to do it. He was right about everything," she explains, whispering the last. "But let me be blunt about this. I care about Eric a great deal, but you are more important to me than he is. I knew we'd put you in a bad position here, but I also thought we'd built you a strong enough support system to get you through it. So are you just having a bad night, or have you been unhappy for a long time?"

"I don't know," she fumbles for words and looks at the ground. "It's really hard sometimes. They say such mean things about you. And Dad."

Juliana sighs and sits down. She puts her arm around Marlette and draws her close. "I shouldn't even ask. Some of it is without a doubt true. Do you want to know what is and isn't true?"

"No. It doesn't matter. It just hurts is all."

"Well, love, only you can take away their power to hurt you. Anyone who would say such things within your hearing does not have your best interests at heart. They don't deserve your time, and they certainly don't deserve to have the power to cause you pain. People are jealous, love. You live like a princess, and some people don't think it's fair, so they try to bring you down with these things. Please just remember the second they've done that, they've just become dirt, lower than lower. Desperate weak people who can do nothing better than attack a child" well" they'll meet their own bad end. And you can call them on it. You can say back to them, "I believe you have no purpose in telling me this but to attempt to cause me pain. Leave me." If they don't, well, we shall have to consult the rules a bit, Van Alikki will know, but I believe you can challenge a duel and have someone stand for you. The problem with that is then you are perceived as not being able to defend yourself, so it really should only be used in the most extreme cases."

Marlette listens quietly. She nods occasionally and shakes her head when appropriate.

Juliana plays with Marlette's hair. "I don't really want to run away, but I worry when I see you building up resentment toward Eric. He loves you, you know."

"I know," she says quietly. "He's very good to me and doesn't have to be. I know. But, it's hard sometimes. And," her eyes look infinitely old, "I miss Dad."

Juliana tears up. "I know what you mean. I had a moment tonight, on my way down to the ball, when I'd thought I'd lost it. I saw Patrice, I had no idea why she was here, I realized I had no idea why I was here, and then she mentioned you, and I thought she was talking about Marlette Corrino. My mind was back with your father, and it was like he had just been holding me, and none of this had happened yet. It was like losing him all over again. But baby, you can't possibly remember him. You were so small."

Marlette looks up. She puts her arms around her mother to comfort her. She meets Juliana's eyes. "I remember everything. I always have. I remember every word he ever said to me. Every time he picked me up and held me. Every time he told me stories. I remember all the conversations that people had in front of me because they thought I was too young to understand. I remember how scared everyone was when the War came. I remember the last words he ever said to me. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing the second he died. I knew it before you told me. I remember everything, mom."

"Oh my god," Juliana whispers, and gets a little pale. "Are you sure, baby? That you really remember and aren't filling things in?"

"'I want you to be happy,' he said. 'I'll do whatever it takes to ensure that. I love you Marlette.' Dad was crying at the time. I think he knew he wasn't coming home."

Juliana looks truly shocked. Pained. "We both knew. I wanted to ask him not to go, but that would have been asking him not to be who he was. Did he do something magical?"

"Not then. But he did when I was born. I think he did when he died too."

Juliana breathes. Despite the suffocating pain, she breathes. "But... how did he know?" She tries to remember, and her eyes start filling with tears.

Marlette hugs Juliana. "Dad just... knew things."

Juliana blinks, remembering the child is there. She should be comforting Marlette, not the other way around. She pushes all her emotions back down and takes a steadying breath. "I didn't know that. Or maybe I did. We both knew, we just didn't talk about it. There was a lot we didn't talk about, and perhaps we should have," she says with no small regret.

She starts playing with Marlette's hair again. "So you remember. I'm glad. But you aren't happy."

Marlette looks at Juliana with a curious and terribly adult expression. "No one is happy all the time, mom."

Juliana sighs. "Most people are hardly ever happy. We've been fairly lucky. But I want to do something for you. What can I do?"

"Don't let me ruin your night. Go. Have fun."

Juliana shakes her head. "You aren't ruining my night. You are at such a difficult age. You're upset, then you're fine, then you're upset. I wish you'd tell me what pushed your button tonight

"I suppose it was the Begman boy. But it really shouldn't have bothered me. He wasn't worth it." She gets quiet then and adds, "I think there is something odd about tonight."

Juliana nods. "I think you're right, but I think we're the only ones noticing it. Well, Eric may be noticing it, but he's under siege at the moment and can't go out exploring. I'm feeling very close to your dad tonight, like time's trying to slip loose on me. Or maybe it's just him, maybe he's found a way back and we're sensing it."

Marlette looks about. "I don't know what it is." Then, with no warning whatsoever, she smiles. "Enough of this." She looks at Juliana, still smiling. "Go. You have my leave to depart. I'm going to go do something fun now."

Juliana looks at her with some trepidation, then shrugs. "Be careful out here, okay? I think I've made it clear there are a lot of evil men in the world, but I'd like to emphasize again, there are many evil men in the world who would love nothing more than find you out here alone and hurt you." She takes a deep breath, and says, "But I'm going to go in and leave you be. So be careful. You know where I'll be if you need me."

"Okay," Marlette says. She looks up at the moon. "It's a lovely night. Maybe I'll go up to Tir-na Nog'th."

"Oh no," Juliana says immediately. "You can't just take off to that place. I've heard things... the whole thing could end up falling out from under you. Why can't you just paint some mean pictures of rude people, or something?"

"Thanks, mom!" Marlette reaches over and hugs Juliana and kisses her on her cheek. "I love you!" With that she heads off in the direction of her rooms.

Juliana shakes her head and smiles. Should have seen that one coming. She'll look at the moon and consider for a moment that perhaps Tir-na Nog'th was were Phillip got his information from. Then she admits to herself this will be another mystery she'll never know the answer to. She'll get up and head back to the party, because without a doubt Eric is going to be getting worried by now.

The party is still going strong when Juliana returns to it. She spies Deirdre and Patrice talking. Patrice sees Juliana and heads her way. Deirdre heads toward the crowd surrounding Eric.

Juliana smiles and heads toward Patrice. She's got her face back on. She's looking happy as a cat, but wondering what the hell is up now.

"Hi," Patrice says. "Are you two better now? You've both been weird tonight."

Juliana's smile turns into a grin. "We're fine. She's just gotten worn down over the course of Carnival. Too much stress and strain. I've sent her off to play. I'm just... missing Phillip tonight. I may take her and head out to the estates for a few weeks tomorrow. We'll see. How did the King take our disappearing act?"

Patrice smiles wickedly. "Deirdre told him it wasn't any of his business and if he bothered you or Marlette about it before you were ready to talk, she'd kick his ass in front of the assembled guests."

"Beautiful. I will be sewing something special for her soon," Juliana smiles. "I should go help him now, or I'll pay for it later," she adds with a smile that might make Patrice say such punishment wouldn't be so bad.

"You do that. And tell Deirdre to find me." Patrice smiles. "I'm bored."

"I will do so." She heads for the mass of people, basically expecting they will make way for her, and ready to poke people who don't.

Patrice walks away and leaves the ballroom. Apparently, she means "find" literally. Deirdre seems to have maneuvered Eric's entourage away by the time Juliana arrives.

Eric sees Juliana, smiles, and kisses her hand. "How goes the world with thee, my lady?"

"It goes on and by in interesting ways," she smiles, a real smile, and wants to laugh, because this is really her Prince and they were victorious over Oberon, in the end. "Can we talk about it later?"

He smiles. "Whenever you need to speak of it, I will be there for you. I shall not question you about it until then."

"Thank you. That's what I love about you; you are so compliant," she teases.

Eric laughs. It's a deep, booming, amused sound. "I do not believe anyone has ever said such about me before."

She laughs. "I can't imagine why not. Are you enjoying yourself?"

"As much as one can at such things." He carefully does not ask how she is enjoying the party. "Your timing is excellent, as always. You have time to be seen by everyone and then make an escape."

She bites her lip and shrugs. "That wasn't how I planned it, but it will do. Are you planning on bolting soon?"

"I will remain or leave as it gives you the most pleasure."

"See, you are quite compliant," she smiles. "I'm sure you miss your days of being able to sneak into and out of parties."

Eric laughs again. "I am the king and I go where I want."

Juliana looks at him with feigned suspicion. "You mean to tell me you've been sneaking into parties? But how do you lose die pups? Oi, dat vould be a trick dis Herzogin vould like to see."

Eric laughs. "You know she can probably hear you."

Juliana chuckles. "Who, Arryl? She can scent me, that's for certain. She wouldn't care anyway, so long as you're laughing. And it is a trick I'd like to see."

Eric smiles. "I will see what I can do."

"Maybe you shouldn't. They would be very upset to have lost you, and might do something insane to try to regain their worth, or something."

"Arryl would be unamused, yes."

"What do they call me? The weir, I mean, when I'm not around," she asks curiously.

Eric looks deep into Juliana's eyes. "They call you die Königin."

"What does it mean?" she whispers, nervous about the answer, but having to know. Unable to look away.

Eric takes Juliana's hand in his own. "The Queen."

Juliana holds his eyes for a moment, then looks away. She doesn"t speak, but she looks a little sad.

Eric holds Juliana's hand for some time without saying anything. "My lady," he says at last, "would you care for a drink?"

She sighs and manages a thankful smile. "I would, thank you."

Eric motions for a servant. "Please bring Her Grace a drink." He names Juliana's favorite drink. The servant bows. "Would you care to mingle or would you prefer to be alone, my lady?"

"I should mingle," she says with some regret. "And I have to find Deirdre. I have a message for her, and I think I've given Patrice enough of a head start." That makes her smile.

Eric chuckles. "Very well. Shall I help you find Deirdre or would you prefer to do so alone?"

She gives him a curious look. She licks her lips and grins. "That's up to you, Ricky."

Eric sighs. "Why do I let you get away with that?"

Juliana laughs. "I think I know. I think you know too. You don't have to, you know. You could do something about it," she says seductively, and starts moving in search for Deirdre, throwing him a questioning look over her shoulder, smiling. He can follow or not.

Eric growls and follows.

Juliana bites her lip and forces herself not to laugh. She is also keeping an eye out for this son of the Begman Ambassador. He's going to pay before the night is over. The Begman Ambassador and his wife might have to pay too. Hell, everyone from Begma is on the shit list tonight, and will be studied thoroughly whenever she comes in contact with them.

Juliana and Eric find Deirdre speaking with a prominent merchant. Juliana is reasonably certain she saw Flora talking to the man earlier in the evening. He thanks Deirdre and greets Eric and Juliana and asks permission to leave. He then hurries off in the direction of Flora.

Deirdre laughs. "That was fun."

Juliana smiles. "I know that laugh, and it can only mean trouble. Well, if you're done torturing your sister," she says in her best 'mom' voice, "Patrice asked me to tell you to find her. She's bored, she says. I think you're in for a bit of hide and seek, because she headed out."

Deirdre grins wickedly. "I'll be off then. My work is done here." She smiles as she leaves and adds, "Have fun, you two. Don't stay at the party too long."

Juliana watches Deirdre go and shakes her head. She will keep her eyes peeled for the boy, and start looking for Elyssa. Is Gerard around?

The Begmans seem oddly absent. Elyssa seems to have left already. Gerard is present.

She looks disappointed. She turns an annoyed look on Eric. "Did you do something with the Begmans?"

"Not at all," he replies. "The Begman party made hasty apologies and left early."

She snorts. "Well, good for them. They have brains after all. If they are really smart they'll be back on a ship to their shining homeland before rather mean paintings of their son start showing up all over the place."

"Hell hath no fury like Marlette annoyed."

"Hell hath no fury like Marlette feeling like her family is being attacked," Juliana says and purses her lips.

Eric nods.

"I wish I knew what he said to her. She avoided sharing that."

"She will share it when she is ready."

"Bah. She may very well never tell me. I might have to pay the little scoundrel a visit and get it out of him," she growls.

Eric shrugs. "I'll not tell you how to raise your daughter," he says.

She rolls her eyes. "But it is not what you would do. You would let her fight her own battles. That's easy for you to say. Someday you'll have one, and you'll see how difficult that is."

"I simply have faith in the girl. I know you do as well. But I am told it is very hard for a mother to learn that she can not help her child with every problem."

She looks annoyed. "It's worse than that with me." She looks around the ballroom, does a sound-distance calculation in her head, and whispers, "For the love of the horn, we live in under a magnifying glass. And no one ever protected me when I was a girl. It's like having a chance to redo my childhood, the right way. I just want her to be okay, and it is not okay for her to be hurt because I want to be here."

"I confess that I have little experience with the attentions and intentions of mothers," Eric replies, but I know that you love each other and want each other to be happy. That alone is more than most people have."

Juliana sighs. "I'm mood swinging, aren't I? I have no idea what's wrong with me tonight." She gives him a look that says she means a lot more by that than she's saying.

Eric takes Juliana's hand in his own and gently squeezes it. "There is something in the air tonight," Eric agrees. "But you and Marlette are safe here. You have my word."

She wants to believe that. She wants to believe that very badly, but she doesn't, not really. Not with all this memory repression. She knows she must have believed it, before the 'flashback' or whatever it was, or she wouldn't have let the child stay here. Or would she have, to be with Eric? The Juliana of 16(?) years ago isn't sure what the Juliana of today is really up to, and doesn't trust her. Thus she questions her own motives heavily.

So she looks at Eric, clearly desperate to grab onto what he's saying, but unable to reach out and do so. "I..." she begins, and realizes she's afraid to tell him. It doesn't matter though. She has to it. For Marlette's sake, someone close has to know she might be falling apart, in case she does so. Someone has to be ready, because were she to revert further back in time, things could get dangerous. She could get dangerous. "I do need to tell you things. Can we get out of here?" she asks quietly.

"Of course," he answers noting her expression and tone. "Where shall we go?"

"Someplace we can't be overheard, but not too hard to find, in case Marlette needs me," she says, thinking of secret rooms and hidden entrances and all the wonderful things about the castle.

"Very well," Eric replies and leads Juliana away. There is the usual flourish and fanfare as the King departs the party.

After a brief walk, Eric leads Juliana to a hidden sitting room. It is furnished with comfortable chairs, a small table between them, and a well-stocked bar. Eric pours Juliana a glass of wine.

She bites her lip nervously. She'll wait for her wine and take a drink before she starts.

"Something happened to me tonight. I was on my way down to the party, and I was looking for Phillip. I saw Patrice, didn't know why she was here, and asked. In the course of our conversation she mentioned Marlette being her niece. That was when I realized something was wrong. I didn't remember my daughter. Well, I did then, but it was like I had forgotten she existed, and everything that had happened, for years... since before she was born. Then I asked Patrice where Phillip was. You can imagine how insane that must have sounded," she says dryly. She hits the wine again.

"Then it came back to me that he was dead. I was able to sit down and recall other things - like how I ended up here, and what things were like between Marlette and I, and what had happened with the War. Vaguely. I have to focus on things to recall them. Even right now. I have an elementary knowledge of 'us.' I'm feeling... lost. It is, of course, making me question everything. I'm only telling you this because I don't know that this is going to get better, or worse, and you should know."

She sighs. "And perhaps this is related in some way: Marlette told me tonight that Phillip did something sorcerous when she was born, and she thinks when he died. And she has retained memories from her early childhood she should not have naturally retained. So I've got memory fading and she has memory fixed. What do you think?"

Eric is silent for a long time. At last, he sips his drink and speaks. "It is a matter of concern of a certainty. We shall have to be careful. You should, perhaps, rest and avoid stressful situations." He pauses and adds, "I am not certain that Marlette's facility for memory is directly related to your troubles. From what you say, it appears that Marlette has long had these memories rather than her gaining them tonight. Yet, it is something I will consider."

Juliana considers a minute why she was running late for the party, trying to remember now the events immediately proceeding this strangeness. She clearly remembers all the little annoying things that contributed to her being late to the party. She then tries to determine if she has been under an unusual amount of stress lately, but she hasn't. She shakes her head in confusion.

"Thank you. I will try not to make things worse with added anxiety, although avoiding stressful situations, around here, seems rather, well, unrealistic," she smiles.

Eric chuckles. "Indeed." He takes Juliana's hand and looks into her eyes. "Worry not, my lady. You and your family have my love and my protection. Both are considerable... if this is more than exhaustion, we will determine the cause and deal with it."

She feels happy and grateful and unworthy and guilty. Her smile becomes a little wry. "Marlette may be right, this may be what I always wanted."

Eric simply smiles.

"There is no way you could come out to the estates with us for a few days, is there? Between Marlette and I having such sudden mood changes, I fear for the state of the kingdom if we stay here."

Eric frowns. "Would that I were able, my lady," he says sadly. "There are too many delegations present at this time. We can make excuses and send you and Marlette away, but I will have to remain, alas. If I juggle schedules I may be able to conclude business early and meet you however."

She looks vaguely unhappy. "I think we must go. With my memory in this state, the hesitations required for me to recollect the fine details - and miss who knows what important side information I would normally operate with - would be a serious liability. And if the Begmans have not fled, they must go on the counter-attack if they hope to survive whatever vengeful thing Marlette is about to do. I may be able to head that off too, if I impress upon her that I need to go. But I'll miss you, until you are able to come."

"I will miss you as well. I love you."

She sits there, heart racing, stumped. He has never said that before, except that... he must have, for it to come off so easily, so naturally and casual, like it's something he says every day. She doesn't go looking for that memory. She just sits a minute, in the glow of that fact.

Then she shakes it off as well as she is able, and with a silly grin says, "That was a bit like hearing you say it for the first time. Did I ever tell you that I used to worry you hated me?"

Eric laughs. "Yes. I told you then that you were wrong, for how could I ever hate you?"

She snorts. "You had reason enough, considering, not that I didn't blame you for all my troubles," she smiles. "But Lord, this is strange! I should be taking advantage of all this new-ness, as I'm sure you've learned where all my buttons are over the years, but I'm feeling rather shy. Perhaps if I..." she stops and lets go of his hand.

She gets up to pour herself something stronger, which she slams. Then she comes back to the table and stands there looking at him expectantly.

Eric walks to Juliana. He reaches a hand under her chin and gently turns it to him. He kisses her.

She kisses him back and thinks, 'some things never change.'

Fade out. Fade in.

Well, at some point after the hot sex, from which her gown survives intact, she will say with a wicked little smile, "You know, I might just enjoy all this re-learning." Then sighs. "I should go check on Marlette."

Eric kisses Juliana. "Go on, my lady. But," he says kissing her again, "remember that you are loved and missed."

She messes his hair and grins. "I may just drag her out the door now, depending on what she's up to. So I won't see you at breakfast," she laughs, "for which even now I'm sure the cooks are preparing. But I will send a note up when we're settled, and you must give us at least a day's warning of when you'll be out. You know it gives Vanessa fits when you just show up."

"I like to keep people on their toes."

"You like to be difficult to prove you can be," she pouts, "and then I get a lecture about not training you right. Why can you not behave?"

"Because I'm the King?" Eric asks.

"Nay, your majesty. You were always that way, and I never have gotten you trained. I suspect you are not trainable, in fact, but I wouldn't say such a bad thing about you to Vanny. She'd just think you a lost cause, then."

"Dealing with me is such a burden, I know," Eric replies. "Now go find your daughter before I decide to be a bother and detain you longer."

She laughs and gives him a quick kiss, and leaves with, "I'll see you soon, I'm sure."

Juliana heads up to Marlette's room (having to remember where that is... does she share a room with Marlette, or has she been officially moved in with Eric? Or both?).

She and Marlette have their own sets of rooms

• (smile) OH good. She did something right. She will barge right in, just like a mother will, into said teenage daughter's living space, without knocking.

It's fairly late at night by this point. Juliana opens the door and finds Marlette looking out the window. She doesn't turn around. "You never knock," she sighs.

"Nope. And one of these days I'm going to catch you doing something exciting." Juliana flops down in a chair, feeling fairly content, actually. "Did you paint?"

Marlette laughs. Its a musical sound. "Mum, I'm far more likely to catch YOU doing something exciting. Or Aunt Patrice," she adds as an afterthought.

"Sometimes it is actually fun to be a grown-up," Juliana admits. "So...did you paint?"

Marlette turns away from the window to look at her mother. "No. I just thought."

"What are you thinking about?"

"Everything."

"Have you reached any conclusions, love?"

"Life is complicated. But I knew that one already."

Juliana nods. "Dead on truth. Are you trying to make a difficult decision?"

"Not really. Just thinking."

"Well, I've been thinking too. I think we need to have a rest out at the estates for a few weeks. I'm rather keen on leaving straight out and stopping for breakfast at the Keddy Inn."

"You'll miss the rest of Carnival."

"Yes, we'll miss the rest of Carnival. It also means the mansion will be quieter, and we can rest and relax. You can paint the tulip garden. It should be just about to burst, around now."

"Tulips," Marlette says dryly. "Those are much harder to capture on canvas than jugglers in the streets. I look forward to the challenge."

Juliana forces herself not to laugh. "It's not the tulips, it's the energy. It's easy to catch the jugglers' energy, but catching the energy of flowers blooming is much harder. Plus, with the mausoleum behind them, it's an amazingly touching place. And this, in fact, may be my best idea for a painting of yours yet. Beside, I really need a rest, love. Just think of it as taking care of your old mum. So, make a pile of what you want sent out after us, because I plan on riding at speed."

Marlette eyes Juliana suspiciously. "You asked Fiona about the tulips didn't you?"

Now she laughs. "No. I was thinking about them earlier. I was angry about them, actually. But maybe I'll explain that after you're done with your painting. So..." she stands up and stretches, "I'm going to change into riding clothes now. I suggest you do the same and take care of your things, because I'm serious about breaking fast at Keddy's."

Marlette sighs. "Okay." She's soon ready for the trip.

Juliana changes and puts on a dagger. (She's always wearing daggers, even though she can barely use the damn things without cutting herself.) She's not taking anything else but a cloak. She presumes she has a set of anything she could need at the estate. She sets up the transportation of whatever Marlette wants sent out to the estates, and then considers for a moment whether she has a guard - 'do I have an honor guard who goes on these trips with us?' she muses, wondering what in the world we call them, not really wanting them called 'the queen's guard.'

Heh. Depending on other duties, Marlette calls him "Uncle Nicholas"

• Well, then, she will send word to Van Alikki that the Duchess is on the move and would love his protection - and baring that could he send someone adequate - "we're leaving within the next twenty minutes."

Nicholas appears to have anticipated this event and is prepared.

'Now there is a man who can be trained,' she thinks. She will head out then, intent on having a good physical ride once they clear the city. The City. She makes herself not look over towards the Hills and the Manor. She wonders if she should have sent Janet a note. She considers what her role is in Southside now.

The ride down to and through the city is pleasant. The City is as it ever has been. Bustling with activity, especially during Carnival. Juliana has done a lot of good with the greater resources at her disposal.

Juliana enjoys being out. She is thankful to be going through town at night, avoiding the crowds of the day. She is slightly annoyed as she realizes she will be igniting no end of rumors and speculation by leaving this way, during carnival no less, the least of which will doubtless be that she's gotten pregnant. Because this is probably exactly what she'd do if she was. God, she isn't, is she?

Not that she's noticed so far.

'Must not get pregnant. Must not get pregnant.' She's rather sad about it, really, because she'd like to do that for Eric. But it would be a risk to her life, and Marlette still needs her. And then there is that whole marriage thing that might get very messy, suddenly, should she get pregnant. He might insist. Which would be bad. Or he might not, which would be worse. Holy mother, and talk about being a walking target! 'Must not get pregnant. Must not get pregnant.' She winces at the stupidity of the latest 'unplanned' liaison. Damn. Counting on her poor luck at getting pregnant in the past is a really bad idea.

She determines to be more careful - tries to sink it into her psyche that she must be more careful. Then she shrugs and pushes those thoughts aside. 'I'm supposed to be relaxing.' She rides through the City in silence, looking forward to the hard ride.

The ride is long and uneventful Marlette is quiet, as she so often is. She does laugh and smile occasionally when she spies something that she finds amusing or interesting. She periodically finds it funny to remind Juliana that they could have taken a coach.

Juliana sticks her nose up at the coaches idea. She hates coaches (something I'm sure my little angel knows) and would never take a coach out to the estate. Or anywhere she wasn't forced too. It would have taken two days in a god forsaken coach. She does try to engage Marlette in conversation periodically, still trying to draw information out of her without being pushy. When she gets annoyed with Marlette's lack of 'telling her what she's thinking,' she flirts with Van Alikki, making lots of comments about his sword. This is sure to embarrass Marlette.

Marlette simply sighs at the flirting with Nicholas.

Then Juliana soon gets bored and gives it up. Once she's managed to get him to blush.

"Is anyone else going to meet us?" Marlette asks at one point.

"I didn't send word ahead, although I mentioned to Patrice we might be going. I don't expect anyone to meet us. Why?"

"Just wondering."

"Was there someone particular you were hoping for?"

"Not really. Time alone is good."

Juliana sighs. "I expect your grandmother and Dance's gaggle will be in and out, with it being carnival. You're welcome to invite anyone you'd wish, love."

"Okay. Thanks," Marlette says.

They get to Keddy's at about hour three. It's a one-story structure with three guestrooms and a common room, well kept up. Juliana Greets the housemaster with enthusiasm, and orders breakfast to be served out back, so they can watch the sun rise. The food is okay, but it's not the castle. If Nicholas holds true to his old ways, he'll eat on his feet, which is fine with Juliana, so long as he does not block her view.

She'll settle in for a nap after breakfast, intending to sleep until lunchtime, get up and eat something light, and ride pretty hard to make it out to the estates before dinner. Marlette can shop or whatever she'd like, as long as she's back for lunch and sticks with Van Alikki. (Keddy is a full-blown village, good sized.)

Nicholas is as you'd expect him to be if he grew up and got his act together. Uber competent and no longer rash.

Juliana leads them out to the estates, really riding all out, and very quiet, because she has a lot on her mind.

Three and a half hours of good ride later, the group arrives at the Carlisle estates. As they ride up the front road Vanessa comes out onto the steps, leaving the doors open, and starts down, carefully. Juliana notices, for the first time, gray beginning to develop at Vanessa"s temples, almost silver against her black hair. Then Juliana remembers the gray has actually been there a few years now. She shakes her head, trying to shake the cobwebs off her memory.

They dismount at the top of the path and walk the horses up and the boys come running from the stables. Juliana smiles at them and says, "Hello gentlemen. Lord, but you two never stop growing. They"ll need to be walked; we"ve been riding hard most of the way."

They take the horses with, "Yes, Your Graces," and greetings for Marlette. As Marlette walks ahead to hug her grandmother the boys beg lessons off Van Alikki. Juliana laughs as he gives in and promises to teach them a few things before he leaves. Juliana wonders at the neediness in the boys" voices, and sadly recalls the state of the household. She reaches out and pats Van Alikki on the arm. "Thank you, Nick. You know, with Phillip gone, Paulus at his own estates, and Roland off his feet, the only men left around here are old. The boys really need attention from a man like you."

Nicholas bows. "My lady, I live to serve."

Juliana snorts. "And you need the attention just as much as they do. It"s good for all of you." Marlette finishes greeting Vanessa and goes up into the house.

Nicholas looks serious. "I will teach them all I can. I might want to retire some day."

Juliana is surprised. "Retire? What would you do?"

Nicholas shrugs. Juliana shakes her head, as Vanessa reaches them.

"Juliana, whatever are you doing out here during Carnival. Not that I"m not thrilled to have Marly in residence, but it is rather," she looks suspicious, "out of character. Has something happened with Eric?"

Juliana smiles grimly. "No. He thinks I need a rest, to get away for a while. And I agreed. And Marlette was about to put an end to a troublemaker, I think, which might have had international consequences, and I would really prefer she not facilitate international incidents until she"s at least had her debut."

"The Begmans?" Vanessa asks. Juliana just stares at her in amazement.

"They"re out to get you, you know. My sources tell me the King has an ex-girlfriend over there in their sad little castle. He really should do something to eliminate this nonsense, but I suspect he likes to watch them try."

"Well. I hadn"t heard any of this," Juliana huffs. Van Alikki makes himself scarce.

"And that, my dear, is the problem with living in the castle. You should move back to the manor and let everyone watch him come to you."

"I"d never see him. And you know I only moved us into the castle when I realized I"d gone two weeks without seeing Marlette during negotiations. I need to be there for those things. You"re suggesting I make a play for a permanent position. I"m not interested in a permanent position," Juliana reminds her.

Vanessa sighs, clearly holding back, but smiles. "Well, if you say so. Come on in so you can get changed for dinner."

Juliana looks up at the mansion. Then she looks back at Vanessa. "I"m not" I"m missing Phillip awfully bad, and"" she sighs. "I came out here to try to face reality, but now it"s" too hard. Maybe I"ll go ride for awhile."

Vanessa looks concerned. "You"ve been riding for seven hours, have you not?"

"Yes. Yes, you"re right. I can"t just ride forever," Juliana admits, and heads up into the house with her mother-in-law. "Oh, Vanessa, listen to this latest one," she begins to distract herself from the memories she is sure are going to come rushing back when she goes in. "You know the ditty about the happy, unburdened, bored King. Here"s the latest line I"ve heard, in reference to you and Marlette and I. "He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl and he called for his duchesses three.""

Vanessa snorts. "Morons."

Juliana laughs. "I thought it was funny."

She"s going to go into the mansion and try to suppress her feelings and memories. She reminds herself she"s lucky " it would be much worse at the manor, where they spent most of their time. She considers where her room is, and sighs inwardly. "Here we go again. Pretending everything is fine when it isn"t."

She remembers shortly after Marlette"s eleventh birthday she moved her into the master suite, and moved herself into the East Wing across from Vanessa"s room and next to Phillip"s uncles" suites, and the stateroom. She remembers how drunk her and Vanessa got that night, joking about having two dowagers and crying and sharing stories. Juliana stops and closes her eyes a moment, so thankful for his family.

"No one is here," Vanessa says. "Everyone is in town."

"And no one ever tells me they"re coming. I could have had all of Dance"s girls up at the palace last night," Juliana complains. They walk though the entrance hall and turn off right toward their rooms.

"Not everyone wants to latch onto a prince, you know. Especially my nieces. Kate is already following in her mother"s footsteps, and the rest of them will as well. Ellen told me just before they left that Joan had her eye on one of your former paperboys. Kate told us, when she announced her intent to court Roland"s steward," Vanessa chuckles, "that they felt it was their responsibility to "spread the noble blood over the masses like jelly on a biscuit." So it"s just as well you"re in the castle, for when word of that gets out, we"re bound to be complete outcasts."

Juliana grins. "Always was an outcast, one way or another. I must admit, I do rather like rubbing the snotty little noses in my good circumstances. Nobility be damned. We"ve got a fledgling middle class growing in the city. It will spread."

"In the meantime resistance will get worse among the nobility. It might get violent," Vanessa warns.

"We"re aware of that, and we"ll try to make sure it doesn"t go that way."

"Is that the royal "we"?" Vanessa smiles.

"Will you stop?" Juliana laughs and she gets to her door. She pauses to look at Vanessa before she goes in. Her laughter dies at the serious look on her mother-in-law"s face. Juliana nods, and whispers, "I would never accuse the King of being involved in such a thing."

"He"s experimenting?" Vanessa whispers back.

"He"s taking the next logical step in the course his father set for this place, if anyone can presume to understand what that was," Juliana says quietly. "I"m just lucky to have studied how to do that at some length during my time as an ambassador. Amber has unique" limits, though. There is always danger, but there is just as much danger in ignoring the flow of the people. And Oberon set this up when he made sure paper and printing would be more available."

"I have a hard time believing this is what Oberon intended," Vanessa hisses.

Juliana shrugs. "Even you feel threatened. Relax, Vanny. We"ll all be long dead and gone before they"re ever calling the middle classes anything but "merchants." We can"t have the industry. And since we can"t be large-scale manufacturers, it will be almost impossible to flatten the playing field. It"s just a matter of taking the exclusivity out of education and position." She laughs. "And that makes it sound so simple. This isn"t going to happen in our lifetime, if it happens at all."

Vanessa shakes her head. "Always playing with fire. Marlette is not involved in this, is she?"

"Only in so much as she is part of the vanguard of women he made peers in their own right when so many of the men died in the war. And where do you think that"s leading, mum?" Juliana teases. Vanessa huffs.

"You only call me "mum" when I"m angry. You should know it doesn"t work to calm me down. If anything it just reminds me that the lot of you are children."

"Now I remember why Phillip bought the manor," Juliana thinks. She sighs. "I know Eric is always amused when you call him your "boy." Oh, when he wraps things up he"ll be coming out. I begged him to give you some warning, but you know how he is."

Vanessa rolls her eyes. "Wonderful."

"I"m going to change now, mum. Talking with you always works up my appetite," Juliana laughs, opening up her door.

"I"ll go check on Marly," Vanessa says with no small relief.

"Ask her who you should invite out. Maybe she"ll give names up to you," Juliana says and shuts the door. She stands there and looks around the room. It"s a small room. It used to be a parlor. One nice sized window lets the light in from the front of the house. The bed here is smaller than what she"s used to at the castle, and very girly. Sheer lace curtains instead of thick ones. She unstraps her travel pack and sets it on the table by the door. She goes over to the vanity under the window and sits down, starting to pull all the pins out of her hair. Not halfway through the process of unbraiding her hair the maids come in with a bath.

She relaxes and gets ready for dinner, letting her hair dry loose. She picks out one of her older gowns, a hunter green regency in the country style. She leaves off with cosmetics and jewelry. It took her years to become comfortable enough with Phillip"s family to be herself, but she"d finally managed. She was only sorry he wasn"t around to see it. At a glance in the mirror she looks like the girl she was during her first marriage, but she walks closer and finds herself again in the developing lines around her eyes and mouth.

"All is vanity," she whispers the old quotes to herself, "I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind."

With that depressing thought she leaves to see if Marlette is in the parlor yet for dinner.

She walks in the parlor to find Marlette and Vanessa deep in whispered conversation. She quietly stops by the door, hoping they"ll go on without noticing her, but before she can catch anything a servant walks in and announces dinner. Juliana clears her throat. Marlette looks back at her mother in surprise, and blushes. Juliana raises an eyebrow and looks at Vanessa.

Vanessa stands and gives Juliana a reassuring smile. Juliana scowls. Vanessa takes Marlette"s elbow and leads her into the informal dining hall. Juliana follows them in and sighs in relief to see the servants have switched out the larger table for a small round one. Juliana hates dining at tables with empty seats.

A servant stands just behind every chair. Vanessa laughs. "The lot of you don"t have enough to do with everyone out, do you?"

Juliana shakes her head. She smiles while Andrew pulls out a chair for her. "Your Grace," he says quietly, "it is nice to have you home."

"Thank you, Drew."

"It is a bit lonely with Lady Dance and the young ladies gone, your Grace," answers the butler seating Vanessa.

"Your Grace?" asks the third servant, a young man Juliana does not recognize, who holds the chair out for Marlette. Marlette, looking slightly embarrassed, sits. Juliana looks to Vanessa to see if she caught that.

Vanessa is busy calling for the food to be brought on. As soon as the servants leave Juliana reaches over and pats Marlette on the hand. "What is it?"

Marlette gets a small smile. "I was just thinking, we"re the three graces."

Vanessa laughs. "Your mother is "Splendor.""

"Ah," Juliana snorts, "then you are "Good Cheer.""

"That means I"m "Joy"?" Marlette asks dubiously.

"You"re my joy, love," Juliana smiles, still wondering what the hell she just missed in the other room. She takes a sip of wine.

"Now that would be a portrait for the ages, Marly. We could model in the nude," Vanessa suggests, picking up her drink and saluting Marlette. Juliana chokes.

Marlette laughs. "If you want to, Nan."

"I"m not sure your mother can handle it," Vanessa teases.

Juliana coughs and sets down her drink. She looks at Vanessa. "Anything you can do I can do better," she smiles.

"Didn"t I prove you wrong at that the last time we played cards, dear? Or the last time we drank, for that matter?" Vanessa smiles.

Marlette laughs. Juliana points at her. The servants begin bringing in the soup. "Don't you laugh, miss. You'll be playing too."

Marlette laughs harder. "Then you'll lose at cards twice."

"All I have to do is hang on until you get drunk. Then I may lose at cards to this hustler over here, but I still don't think she can out-drink me."

Vanessa snorts. "That will be a sorry day, a sorry day indeed."

Juliana smiles, watching Marlette out of the corner of her eye, and begins in on her soup. Marlette is looking everywhere but at the young man Juliana doesn"t recognize.

"It"s only a matter of time, mum, before I can out-drink you. Then you"re doomed," Marlette says more quietly.

Juliana gives her an amused look. "Well, I will do all I can to make sure you are not driven to drink, duckling," Juliana says, somewhat in warning.

"Mother, please," Marlette whispers. Juliana is at a loss. She looks for explanation from Vanessa. Vanessa shrugs.

Juliana looks down at her bowl and gives the soup her full attention. Once the servants retreat again (minus the butler, of course, who has been directing from his position a few steps behind Vanessa) Juliana looks back to Vanessa. "I"d swear I know that young man from somewhere," she lies, again watching Marlette out of the corner of her eye.

Vanessa looks perplexed. "Well, I should hope you do. You recommended him."

"I did?" Juliana asks, brow wrinkling. She closes her eyes, trying to remember this, but nothing comes. She can remember, vaguely, having seen him about the castle, but she cannot recall having any direct contact with him, and certainly not writing a recommendation for him to Vanessa. "I"d think I would recall that," Juliana says slowly, turning her eyes on Marlette.

Marlette is eating her soup and watching Vanessa and Juliana. As Juliana continues to stare at her she gets annoyed. "What?"

"Did you write it?" she asks.

Marlette sighs in frustration. "Yes. And I signed it, with my title." She looks at Vanessa pointedly. Vanessa looks at the ceiling.

"Marlette, you knew she would think it was me," Juliana growls.

Marlette turns a long-suffering expression on her. "You are the one always saying that what other people assume is only my problem in so far as it effects me," Marlette says. Juliana"s expression darkens as her own words get thrown back at her. "I did what I felt needed to be done for my household. The King released him so he could come here. He trusts me, why can"t you?"

Juliana blinks. Then she takes a breath and suppresses her rage. Very calmly she says, "Excuse me, but I rather think this is about you trusting me."

Marlette glances over her shoulder toward the kitchen, looks back and leans toward her mother. Imitating Juliana"s calm, she quietly says, "No, this is about you not wanting me to make my own decisions, or build my own house. I will surround myself with whomever I wish, and I will not be asking your permission every time I decide to add a man to my staff."

Juliana leans toward her and whispers, "I hope you have considered that your payroll may not be the only one he is on."

Marlette smiles provocatively. "I am reasonably sure he is my man. In the meantime, Dannway is watching him for me."

Juliana"s color rises and she has to stop herself from reaching out and choking her daughter. Marlette sighs and stands up. "Excuse me, Nan, but my appetite has fled." She sets her napkin down on the table, and walks out of the room.

Juliana is on the verge of going after her, but Vanessa reaches out and puts a steadying hand on her wrist. Juliana shakily picks up her wineglass with her free hand and slams the remainder of her wine. The butler starts over to refill her but she waves him off and grabs the bottle herself. Vanessa smiles grimly. "Remember the fights you had with your mother. This was the best way one of those could have ended," Vanessa reminds her.

"Ah, but my mother was a bitch, Vanessa," Juliana whispers, and pours her wine, pulling her hand away from Vanessa. "I"m supposed to be doing better. I"m not supposed to want to hurt her."

"You are simply reacting the way you were taught a mother reacts. But you didn"t hit her. You"ve never hit her. Consider it a victory. You just won that battle because you didn"t lash out," Vanessa points out. After a pause she asks, "She"s lobbying Eric to give her majority early, you know that, don"t you?"

Juliana sits in thought for a moment before she nods. "I suppose I"ve even agreed with that, until now." She stares sightlessly at the table, trying to determine what has changed to make her so protective, suddenly. It must be this return to the past of last night. Things were so dangerous, when Marlette was first born. One mistake could mean death. Some people died just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Dark days. She"s thinking like she thought during the bad times, when Phillip wouldn"t let her leave the house without guards, and people tried to poison her, and friends died. "Have I become complacent in my position, or are things really safe now?" she wonders. "And now I ran here, why? Because part of me cannot accept Phillip"s death? Because I no longer feel safe in the castle? Because I do not trust Eric to protect us? And do I not trust Marlette to protect herself, or make decisions, or be a good duchess?"

"Your grace, are you done?" Andrew asks.

Juliana jumps. "Yes," she smiles in embarrassment, "thank you."

They serve the next course while Vanessa stares at Juliana in concern. They remove Marlette"s setting. "I believe he is right, and you do need a rest," Vanessa finally says.

Juliana sighs. She picks up her fork and pokes at the roast now steaming in front of her.

"Have you been ill?"

"I"ve been" healthy. I"ve always pushed myself a bit harder than I should have. Perhaps I must start considering I am not as young as I used to be, and the miscarriages may have taken more of a toll on me than I"d like to admit." She forces herself to eat a bite of potato.

"This means you do have to rest while you"re here," Vanessa demands. "And I"m sure Marly will be happy to take on your every last duty. Perhaps that is exactly what she needs. We should let her carry the load for a time, so she has a full understanding of what she"s trying to get herself into. Then we will be here to pick up the pieces, this first time."

Juliana finds herself much more relaxed. She nods and smiles. "That sounds like a plan. I think Eric will give her what she wants, and I would be remiss if I set her up to fail."

"Try to remember you aren"t alone here. The whole family will help, as always. And we must give Marly credit, for she has rarely made a poor decision. She is one of the clearest thinking children I have ever met," Vanessa chuckles. "An old soul."

Juliana agrees. They fall into a discussion of the latest goings on at court and before she realizes it Juliana has actually eaten her fill. She sits back and lays her napkin on the table. "Oh, it"s good to be home," she smiles.

Vanessa smiles indulgently. "I"d begun to wonder if we hadn"t permanently lost you to the King."

"No. I don"t consider that a possibility," Juliana sighs, shaking her head.

"What would you do if he married someone else?" Vanessa asks. Juliana thinks for a moment. She purses her lips.

"Honestly? I suppose I"d do whatever he asked me to."

"Really? That could get interesting," Vanessa points out.

Juliana nods. "It could get messy," Juliana sighs, "but I am not in the mood to think about the King and all the strings on him and all the difficulties that come along with all the" wonder that is he. I"m going for a walk. I expect I"ll be back after dark, sometime. And if Van Alikki must follow me, please ask him to make himself invisible, would you?"

"Of course. Relax and try not to over-think things. And take a shawl."

"Yes, mum. You"ll make sure she"s okay?" Juliana asks.

"Oh, yes. Ole Nan can be a diplomat too," Vanessa laughs.

Juliana grins. "Thank you "ole Nan."" She walks out back, through the ballroom, and heads around the lake to the west.

She"s walking and daydreaming, thinking of old times, getting lost in the past for awhile. She plans to walk a few hours before ending at the Mausoleums. She'll stop to rest occasionally on the benches scattered around the lake.

She gets to the Mausoleums at twilight. She walks along the pebbled path past the first six Dukes and their wives and various children and who knows who else. While Marlette loves to hear the stories about every person interred here, Juliana avoids the intimacy of knowing them all. She stops in front of Hallman"s Mausoleum.

"She misses you, you know. She touches your portrait in the green room every morning before she takes her coffee. Patrice too, and Pauline. I caught Pauline in there talking to you once. I cried because I thought I was the only one who talked to paintings. She cried because she knew almost everyone does, and she felt bad for me. You raised very good children. I wish I could have known you for more than the weeks we had. I wish we hadn"t had to lie to you." She steps back away and turns to face the flowers. She can"t quite make herself move over to the next mausoleum.

She's about five steps from Phillip's tomb and stuck there, because she can't quite believe it, that he's gone. Even with the last twenty-four hours, and all the evidence to the contrary, some part of her desperately wants to believe there has been some mistake, or conspiracy, or ... the world is just wrong without him. Everything going on in her life, it's just filler, busy-making things. Even Eric. It's just not the same. She loves Eric, but it's different. She wouldn't be as devastated to lose him. (It might be the straw that broke the camel's back, but that's another ball game.) So to take those steps, and see his name there, means it has to be real. She knows it's real, but she doesn't want it to be, so badly, she's having one of those moments when you almost believe, if you wish hard enough, if you really deep in your heart want something bad enough, you can change the course of the world.

But she's been there before, many times. Many times when she was married to Samuel. The day the baby died. The day Phillip died, and many days since, and it hasn't worked. It's never worked. She knows it won't work, it's fruitless, and as the hope starts to go away and the pain starts to filter in, she'll finally start moving toward his tomb.

She steps over in front of it and starts tracing his name with her fingertips. The tears start very slowly, and she whispers, "I'm so angry at you." All the while lovingly tracing his name. "This isn't the way it was supposed to be. There was supposed to be a dark headed little boy to pull on Marlette's hair, and we were supposed to take them on adventures, and they were supposed to bring you grandchildren to spoil, and we were supposed to get old together, and then I wouldn't have to be so afraid of what age will do to me." She leans her head against the stone. "You weren't supposed to leave me alone with her. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this. You were supposed to raise them, remember? We had a deal."

She pulls away from it and steps back. Tears are still streaming down her face. "And you broke it. Damn it," she whispers. "You should have stayed with us instead of going to fight. Yes, we all would have died and the kingdom likely would have fallen, but at least we all would have died together instead of this... this damned happiness all about. You knew I was that selfish. I'm still that selfish. Even when you hand me everything I should have ever wanted on a silver platter I'm not happy, because I still want you, too," she confesses quietly, kneels down, and starts sobbing.

She stays there, sobbing in a heap, until she is spent. She slowly sits up, wipes her nose off on the sleeve of her gown, and wipes all her tears off her face with her fingers. She looks up at the mausoleum and shakes her head and sighs. She carefully scoots over a few feet across the path until she can turn and lean her back up against the building. She pulls her knees up against her chest and wraps her arms around them. Then she smiles softly.

"I remember," she begins, staring sightlessly over the garden, "when we were first married. We were in Gaiga still, and it was early on. I think we'd only been married a few months. I came in to the embassy, and they told me you were upstairs in the bath. We had them so convinced, it wasn't even funny. I laughed like I was supposed to, and snuck upstairs to surprise you. And I opened the door, and there you were, wine glass in one hand and some book in the other, submerged to your neck in water that had to have grown cold. You looked over at me and smiled in welcome, and sat up, putting down the book so carefully so it wouldn't get wet. You invited me in. All my mirth at playing this game with the staff and the world fell away. I wanted it to be real. I wanted us to be young and in love, and I wanted this beautiful stranger to be my true husband. But it was all a game, and like ashes in my mouth, and I shook my head and left, because I'd just been with Charles for the first time, and I felt... suddenly like the world was using me instead of me using it. And dirty, and I didn't want you to touch me like that."

She hugs her legs tighter to her. "It is hard to believe we ever found our way out of that tangle. It is hard to believe how much I changed from the moment I met you. Forever I will hate Aidran, for what it did to you, but perhaps it saved me. I saw myself reflected there in too many places. I needed someone to cut every contrivance away long enough for me to hit the ground. I learned what love was there. I learned all about where bad paths lead. I thought what I went through there would have prepared me for your death, but it didn't. I know I should be grateful for the time we had after our rescue, for sure as anything those years, and even these now, are a gift from King Oberon. Yet here I sit, lamenting, lamenting. The sun shines on my face every day, and yet I get annoyed with it for being there, when you aren't. I must make Eric insane." She smiles a bit, like that pleases her, somewhat.

She breathes. "I do make him insane, and it's not fair to him at all. I had gotten better, I thought, until last night when you reached out and held me somehow, and the rest of the world - the rest of my life " just fell away, and I was there with you again. Now I'm all disconcerted and mixed up, doing things like holding back words and feelings from Eric. And Marlette tells me you did something with her memory. For the love of the horn, Phil, what were you thinking? Was it just so she'd remember you? Because vanity I can understand, and I see no other way in which it has really served her. When she was born? When? While I slept, recovering? While she watched you with her sweet baby eyes?"

She closes her eyes and leans her head back to rest against the building, relaxing a little.

Juliana hears footsteps approaching.

Marlette is standing there. She has tansies in her hand.

Juliana smiles wryly, suddenly holding back tears. "Hello love."

"I figured you two could use the company," Marlette says. "I thought you might be at the point where you blame him for things and I know you don't really want to do that."

Juliana laughs, but it's a dry and bitter thing. "It's so much easier to be angry. But now you're here to make sure I move on past that. Which I thank you for, however difficult it is, and I wish I was less of a burden on you."

"Yes, you're a terrible burden," Marlette teases, "Eric and I talk about it all the time. Now be useful and help me with the flowers."

Juliana almost smiles. She takes some of the flowers. "Tansies. I must have told you about that..." she tries to remember. To cover up remembering, she says, "You know, you can use an infusion of the dried flowers and seeds to treat gout. And a few drops of the essential oil helps with convulsions, but more than that causes them." She smiles. "In Eregnor they eat the leaves as part of their spring rituals. It's supposed to cleanse the body and the soul, they say."

"Do you know this stuff by choice or did someone force you to learn it?" Marlette teases. When she finishes the flowers, she finds a nearby bench and sits.

Juliana contains her laugh, but says, "There are some men that think all women should allowed to learn about are things like embroidery and flowers and how to keep a house. Amazing, what one can learn when one learns about flowers."

"Do you want to talk about Dad?"

"Sure. I've been impossible enough with him for one day. Your dad... I think I really started falling for your dad about the same time he got Cosair, although I didn't know it then. He loved Cosair. I think It made me see him in a new light, that he took such care with that horse. He used to schedule time to brush him down. I started making Excuses to be around when he was down there, and that's when we started talking about things not work-related. Have I told you all this already? Tell me when I'm repeating myself, because I have not gotten over this memory-loss completely."

"You can continue or I can tell you things I know," Marlette says cryptically.

Juliana stops her train of thought, dead. She goes and sits down next to her. "So this is why she came out here to find me. She"s got something to tell me." "Tell me what you know."

"Where do you want me to start?"

"Well, love, start at the beginning," she shrugs.

"Did you ever know how much Dad really loved you? He did, you know. He loved you more than he loved anything in the world."

In a tight voice, Juliana says, "We never got a chance to talk about it much. I was confident he loved me. I was confident he knew how I felt. He was always clear in his actions, and that was what mattered. Sometimes I felt like he was distancing me, trying to keep me at arms length. For a while, early on, we told each other all kinds of everything. It was later, when we were more serious, that he started holding things back." This obviously bothers her. "He was very protective. I'm sure he was just trying to protect me."

"Yes," Marlette replies. "That is why he eventually stopped mentioning children. There had been so many problems and he was afraid of losing you."

"My god," Juliana whispers. "Did you find a journal?"

"No," Marlette says simply. "I just know things. Dad did too." She pauses and takes Juliana's hand in her own. "He was very happy about my birth, you know. Sure, everyone wanted him to have a son, but he was a happy to have a daughter. He wanted to give me the childhood you didn"t get to have."

Juliana smiles softly but she is obviously trying to figure this all out. "Of course he was happy with you. But we didn't discuss my childhood, not really. Marlette, people don't just know things. They just... don't. Maybe this has to do with this spell he did..."

"Some people do. It's magick. I don't worry about it," Marlette shrugs and squeezes Juliana's hand. Juliana shakes her head and looks worried. "And it doesn"t matter what you and Dad talked about, he knew lots of things you never knew about. He knew about your first husband."

Juliana goes very still, and loses all her color. "What are you talking about, love?" she asks very quietly.

"He knew what happened to him," Marlette says gently. "He didn't care. He loved you."

Juliana just sits there, with a look that can only be called disbelief on her face. "And you know?" Her heart is pounding and the hand Marlette has is sweating and she's within seconds of completely freaking out.

"Yes," Marlette replies. "You're my mother. I love you."

Juliana just sits there for a few minutes, searching Marlette's face. Then she lets out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. "And if I could go back I'd do it all differently. You know that too, right? I would have walked away and not married him. Or barring that, I would have done what I should have, and not what I shouldn't have. I do regret it. You know that?"

"But you can't let regrets dominate your life, mom."

Juliana laughs. "Oh, yes you can. You can do anything you set your mind too. I haven't though, let them dominate my life, I mean. I've just been always looking over my shoulder. Still do. I am sure proof that life is not fair. I should never have been allowed to have the loves that I've had and the little joys"" she reaches out with her free hand to push Marlette's hair over her shoulder, ""I've had, were the world a fair place. I didn't deserve your father, and he deserved far better than me, but neither of us cared about that too much. It was fate."

Marlette shrugs. "Dad once told me, 'There is no fate, but the one you make.'"

Juliana smiles broadly. "Your dad was a real pain in the ass sometimes. Of course there is fate. King Oberon told your grandmother that he would let your father and I return home to take the Dukedom because he didn't see any reason to change the destiny of House Carlisle. What did he know? That some day your father would stand between the enemies of the kingdom and the one man who had any real control of that blazing evil red trinket of his? Who knows! I feel like it was fate. Fate throws things at you, and how you react to them determines where you end up next. Your father and I did not end up together because he made it his fate. Your father and I were thrown together, and eventually fell in love. When did he tell you this? When you were two?"

"When I was born. When he left for the war."

"Both times?"

"Yes," she replies. "He never wanted me to feel bound or trapped or forced into any other life than the one I chose for myself." She pauses and looks toward the tomb.

"When he went to the war, he wanted me to know this was something he chose to do. Something he chose because it was his duty, but because that was the kind of man he was. He didn"t want me to blame anyone for him not coming back. In the end, his not coming back was his choice. He could have made it back. But he didn"t. Not because he didn't love us, but because he did. He knew we were safer with Eric alive than dead. He sacrificed his chance to be with us to give us the one person who could best protect us and Amber. He loved us that much."

Juliana's eyes slowly fill with tears, fighting them, but not winning. She gets up and walks away a few steps, and then turns back around. "I knew that. I mean, I know that. But what I don't understand is this...what is it, love? A gift that gives you insight?"

Marlette considers for a minute. "Some of it is natural. Most of it, probably. I just have An exceptionally good memory and situational awareness and if I work at it I'll be a more than competent sorcerer. That's all from my parents. Dad was a better sorcerer than most people realize and had gifts that no one ever knew about. You had great potential if you had ever been trained."

Marlette looks up at the sky. "Most of what dad did was wardings and protections. He put a blessing on the house essentially. It would have been easiest for him to focus it on me because of the blood connection."

She closes her eyes then as if concentrating on something. "The rest is hard to explain. I am not certain of exactly what happened or how or why it happened. I think there is an echo of Dad about me."

Juliana comes and sits back down, looking at Marlette. She wipes her eyes again. "More than an echo, for you to know the things you know. But I would have to say I seriously doubt there are any other Duchesses in the kingdom as ignorant of the science of sorcery as I am, so I am no help here. He did something. That is the only thing I do not doubt. And now I'll just have to trust him, like I always managed to do despite my nature, and leave it be." She pulls Marlette to her and holds her. "Yet, none of that means I don't get to be angry about it. I'm angry, and sometimes I have to focus that somewhere, and your dad could always take it, and understand it for what it was."

Marlette shrugs. "It isn't a proper haunting. It's more that I can almost hear him sometimes when I really concentrate on it. I am not certain it is his doing, either. He may have done it somehow. I know he didn't want me to grow up without ever knowing him-even if he couldn't know me. But it might not be his spell. I think I might have done it. I knew when he was dying. I think I may have kept part of him when he did." She looks up. "Fiona would know, but I see no reason to involve her in my business at this point."

"God, no!" Juliana exclaims from sheer reflex. She clears her throat. "I shouldn't react so strongly. Just remember everything has its price with the royals. Your father might have paid ours with Eric, but everyone else is another matter altogether. She might be able to tell you, but I promise it would cost even more that what you agreed to pay for it."

"Anyway, I feel some of the same thing as you, at times. He was holding me last night. He was there. I think I might have kept part of him when he left to go join the battle. I know sometimes people do things and I can almost here him laughing at their idiocy. And you... all this time whenever I've watched you and you did not know I was there, it has been like someone was looking over my shoulder at you. He is, beyond a doubt, in my heart. I used to fear when he died part of me, the good part, would die with him. But it didn't, and the part of him all that was attached to had to have stayed, somehow..."

Marlette is quiet for some time. She occasionally squeezes Juliana's hand. "Are you happy here? Do you ever wonder about the things that have happened and wonder what might have been if you could do it over?"

"Well, all creative thinking creatures wonder, don't they? Am I happy here? I am as happy as I can be without your father, and far happier than I ever thought I'd be able to be without him. But everything is relative, is it not?" She sighs. "I feel very disloyal to Eric when I piss and moan over what is lost. He'd be enough for any woman, don't you think? Women would kill me, to just have a chance to get half as much from him as I do."

"I don't know what I could change, if I could do it over. It would depend on how far back I could go, and how much knowledge I could carry with me. If I could go back to my childhood... no. There is nothing good I could have made out of that. If I could go back to the day my father offered me the marriage to Samuel or disinheritance, well, I would have had to sneak away, because he would have never let me go, however much he threatened to disinherit me. He would have killed me before he would have let me walk away. I can see that now. I spent years lying to myself about what he'd done to me, and blaming it all on my mother, but the fact was I knew he wouldn't shrink from brutal violence, and I wanted to please him." She stares off in the distance, and her voice has grown cold.

"If I could have gotten away I would have gotten to the city, and I would have worked." She smiles ruefully. "I would have gotten good at it, eventually. The relationship with my Prince might have been a whole other kind of ship, then. Ah, I don't know. I wouldn't want to take any path that didn't lead me to your father, and those paths are pretty limited. I don't believe there is anything I could have done to stop the war. I knew bad things were happening. I saw it coming. It was a bad time, but for all that... we were home, and together, and your father knew that I was being truly faithful to him then. And you came along, and with everything going wrong it the world, finally, mine was becoming so right. I had your father and he loved me and I knew it, and I'd finally gotten the baby I wanted so badly. That was the happiest time of my life, love, despite all the intrigues and murders and riots and desperation in the city, and the war, eventually. I guess if I could go back, I'd go back there, and I'd say all the things to your father I never said. And perhaps pressure him to let me into his game more. I'd make sure he knew how he changed my life. And maybe, pooling our knowledge and resources we might have made a bigger dent in the enemies of Amber before the war, and then there is a chance we might not loose him."

She smiles, sadly this time. "If I could Marlette... but you're the one with the insight. What should I have done, beyond the obvious?"

"There are no easy answers," Marlette replies. "You should always do what your heart tells you. Especially, when it is the hard thing to do."

Marlette hugs Juliana. "I want you to be happy. I'll do whatever it takes to ensure that. I love you Mom." She has tears in her eyes.

Juliana pulls her in real close and holds her. She closes her eyes and lets the tears come, so grateful for this child, and touched by her love. She whispers, "I"m happy as long as I have you, love."

There is an odd sensation in the pit of Juliana's stomach. It is not unlike vertigo. "You will always have my love, Mom. Remember that."

She lets go of Marlette with her right hand and tries to set it on the bench to steady herself, and slowly opens her eyes to try to get her bearings and stop this feeling.

The feeling remains and Juliana's vision begins to blur. Marlette holds her now. "Be happy. Tell Dad I love him."

Juliana tries to say, not particularly worried about it, "Am I dying?"

Marlette laughs. "No. You're getting your wish."

Juliana smiles, feeling very very strange about this, and says, "You can't possibly be that gifted."

"Dad is calling you. You better go to him. I love you."

There is a flicker of light and Juliana can no longer see Marlette. She realizes she is standing and someone is holding her.

"Juliana? Love? Are you unwell?" It is Phillip's voice.

-- Main.LizTrumitch - 21 Aug 2004