PhillipsNews

From IMiA

This occurs almost immediately after Carnival.

The Crime War is in full swing. Things are extremely tense in the city. Phillip and Juliana are at the Palace a lot – Oberon has not returned. Phillip has gone to great lengths to increase security around the estates and make sure Juliana is well protected. The headaches have been fairly bad recently and he obviously has a great deal on his mind. Juliana has realized he's not just being silly, and now presumes her life is in danger at all times. She doesn't even go riding without protection.

---

One night when Juliana returns from one of her outings, he is actually home. He's in the study standing by the fireplace with a drink in his hand.

"You're home." she says, surprised he's there, but not unhappy or accusing about it.

"I am," he replies and turns around. He's obviously been deep in thought and looks like he might have something of a headache. "Have a seat, love. Would you like a drink?"

"No." She's looking at him, very concerned. "Are you all right?" She goes and stands by the chair but doesn't sit down. He knows her well enough to see she's very close to coming over and checking him out for herself.

Phillip frowns. "I am fine." He sets his drink down on the mantle. "There is news. I thought it best you hear it from me. Are you certain you will not sit?"

She moves very slowly, almost catlike, to sit down. She never takes her eyes from him. She's looking at him with something akin to suspicion, her eyes narrowed. She's clearly sensing something is not right, and has just gotten very nervous. She doesn't say anything. She just waits.

Phillip moves to a nearby chair and never takes his eyes off Juliana. He sits facing her. "There is no easy way to say this. Gavin is dead. He committed suicide. I am sorry."

Her eyes slowly get wider. Then she starts getting pale. Then she starts shaking, but she's trying to hide it. She slowly shakes her head, like she doesn't believe it. "Where was he? Did he leave a note? Who told you this?" all comes out in one rushed breath.

He shifts in his seat in case she might collapse or faint. "He was found in his studio. He hanged himself. There was a note, though I am not privy to what it said. Lady Abigail is investigating the matter."

She gets even more pale, and definitely can't hide the shaking. She takes a few deep breaths, clearly trying to get control of herself. "Is this everything you know?" She's looking somewhat desperate, a lot upset, and scared.

"I can make quiet inquiries," he replies. "I am certain Lady Abigail will be cooperative." He looks at Juliana and adds, gently, "I know he was family. I am sorry." Then, "What can I do, love? How can I help you? I will do anything in my power for you. You know that."

She looks him straight in the eyes. She is seriously shaken, and isn't hiding it well at all, but she's reaching out to him in a big way, emotionally.

"I have to go to Moorefield. I have to help his mother. She's going to be destroyed. I want the House, Phillip. Don't ask me to really explain, gods, but it's complicated, but I need the House. I've spent more of my life in that house than anywhere else. And there might be things…" she licks her lips and starts shaking. "There may be things in the house that would look bad for me. They'd at least raise questions."

Phillip nods. "I will have travel arrangements made immediately. Perhaps Nicholas will be available to escort you. If not, I will make other arrangements." He pauses, considers. "As for the house, I will see to it personally. I am certain Feldane and I can come to an understanding. If not, I will personally petition the crown."

Phillip stands and then gently helps Juliana to her feet. "Are you going to be okay, love?"

She's shaky, but able to stand. Her eyes fill with tears. She reaches out to him, wraps her arms around his waist and buries her face in his chest. She just cries silently for a few minutes. Once she can get herself under control she whispers, "Thank you, Phillip. Thank you."

Phillip holds her and lets her cry. When she is finished, he gently wipes away the tears and kisses her forehead. "I love you and will do anything for you, Juliana. You will be okay in time. I promise."

She nods, sniffles, then kisses him rather desperately. She breaks away and pulls a little closer, so they're cheek to cheek (well, in their case I think this is more her temple to his cheek) and she whispers, "Unicorn, I really did not ever want you mixed up in this mess. I wish you could stay out of this, but I can't even think right now. It's hard to even breathe."

"Love," he says gently, "I promised I would be there for you. That includes the bad times as well as the good. You have enough on your mind. Do not worry about me. Just this once, let me help you."

She nods again, still shaky and trying not to start crying again. "I'm in your hands. I want to leave in the morning, but I need to know where Newell is. [This is Gavin's mother] I'm sure Abigail knows. She had to have been notified first."

"I will make inquiries," Phillip replies. "You will know before you depart in the morning. Now," he says gently, "you should rest. You will have a difficult journey to make in the morning."

She looks at him blankly for a moment, like she didn't understand or was thinking of something else. "I feel a thousand years old, suddenly. Life is just not what you plan it to be when you're a little child. It's just wrong…" she starts tearing up again,

"He was just so self-centered, it's hard to believe he'd do this. He wasn't like… this. He wasn't the kind of person who would go this way, even if things were bad. Even with pressure or problems. There had to be something else. It just doesn't make sense… and I'm just terrified to find out what made him do this. And I don't think… his mother never really saw what he was really like. Mothers don't, I think, because they see everything about their babies through these filters of what they want them to be. And I'd hate for her to find out, like this, and have to face all at once that he wasn't anything like what she wanted. Even if it's wrong of her to have wanted him to be anything but what he was." Her eyes are unfocused.

"Because he really was just self-focused. I mean, people want what they want and sometimes people get caught up in themselves so much they can't see outside of this narrow vision to see there are people who aren't like that. He just always thought things would work out for him if he fought for what he wanted, however he had to do that. I mean, his father taught him that, just like my mother taught me. His father must have been just like he was because his father even was going on about what he wanted on his deathbed. I bet my mother would have done that to me if I would have been there when she died. I'm so glad I wasn't there. She was so awful. I don't want to be like her. And Gavin didn't want to be like his father either, even though he loved him, he told me. He said he didn't want to be bitter that way. Maybe he was getting bitter… but that doesn't make sense because you can't be more bitter than killing yourself.”

“That's the ultimate bitterness. That's so bitter that you can't eat for days because of the bile in your stomach and your ears buzz all the time with all the bad things anyone has ever said to you until you almost believe them and you can't sleep because when you do you have nightmares about everything you've ever done wrong. And then it hurts to breathe or to swallow and it becomes hard to even speak and you feel like something's burning in your chest all the time until you just want it to all go away. And the only things you could do to change it would make it all true, and the only other way out is to die." She's going to start going into a panic attack. She's just mentally falling back into what it felt like 'back in the day.'

At this point Phillip realizes that he's let her go a bit too far [(also, I assume she's talking fairly fast in that way that distraught people do...) JpBrannan Yes, she's definitely not breathing right, talking very fast, and seems very removed from the reality of where she is right now.]

Phillip gently, but firmly, pulls her to him softly kisses her. "Hush," he says quietly. "Hush. You are making yourself sick, Love. If you do that, you will not be able to help Newell." He gently wipes the tears from her face and begins to straighten her hair. "Listen to me, Love. You are stronger than this. You are stronger than anyone I know. You have made it through far worse than this and you will make it through this now. I know it. Trust me, Love."

Juliana calms down, slowly, getting it back under control. "Right. You're right. It's been much worse than this. This is nothing. This isn't even my fault,” she lies to herself. “No way I could have anticipated this. But I owe Newell. She's so good and sweet. You're right. I need to rest. I need to let you find her, and I need to rest, because it will be hard tomorrow." She starts to look a bit more sane again. "I think I need something to drink. Something really strong would be good."

Phillip nods and walks across the room. He pours her a drink and returns with it. "Here, Love."

She takes it and, well, slams it. She coughs and shakes off the heat. "I'll lay down. Can't promise I'll sleep… but I'll try. I'll wait until you come back before I do anything. I will." She almost sounds like she's trying to convince herself, but she does seem much calmer, like she's re-centered herself.

"You do that," he says. "I will speak to Nicholas and make the other arrangements. Now, let's put you to bed."

She goes along passively. She will go lie down, and stare at the ceiling and think. She won't move until he comes back with further instructions.

It's long into the night before Phillip returns. Seeing Juliana awake, he sighs. "Nicholas will be here in the morning. He will accompany you on your travels."

Juliana rolls over and looks at him. It's clear she's been crying on and off, but she seems pretty calm. "Thank you," she whispers, then clears her throat. She sits up. "You look so tired. How is your head?"

"Hm? Oh," he replies realizing what she's thinking, "it's fine. I've just had a lot to think about tonight. And you? Did you get any sleep?"

"A little." She stretches. "Did you find out where Newell is?"

"She's at their East House. Gavin was only found yesterday – she hasn't been told yet."

"I'll head out to the East House then. I hope Nicholas is a good rider. I'll give him good directions and he can catch up anyway. I should get things together." she says, and starts getting out of bed.

Phillip sighs. Juliana looks at him with pleading eyes.

"Don't be like that. I feel better when I'm doing something. Newell will have no one left. She was there for me when I was on my own, and I want to be there for her. I want to get there as fast as I can, because she's going to be sitting there alone, really alone for the first time in her life. It's horrible to slowly realize you've lost everyone and there is no one you can run to. She's getting older. I don't know how she's going to take this. Lawton died of something slow and horrible, but for Gavin to go like this…"

Phillip smiles. "Actually, I was merely being exasperated that you had got no rest after your own traumatic evening and on the eve of a long and more traumatic journey."

Juliana stops what she's doing and turns around to look at him. She's got a very amused smile on her face. "Yes, darling, that's exactly what I thought you were sighing about." She teases. "If I can focus on Newell I can forget about me. That's supposed to comfort you."

"I am suitably chastised," he smiles. Then, turning serious, "I just wish you were better rested. This is going to be quite difficult for you. I do worry, you know."

Her smile fades. "I did rest… there can be no good rest right now. Sitting still, honestly, just leaves me too much room to think, and thinking is bad right now. I might be tired, but I'll be moving. And Newell won't ride. She'll probably take a carriage, so I'll get rest before we get out to Moorefield. I think this is one time I can't tell you not to worry. But you have to trust me that I'll do my best, too."

"You always do your best and I always trust you."

She looks vaguely uncomfortable, and turns back to her packing. If he has more to say she'll respond to it. But she's pretty intent on being on her horse waiting when Nicholas rides up.

Juliana is sending off notes before she heads out, while waiting for Nicholas to show up.

-- Main.LizTrumitch - 23 Oct 2004